The Waiting Game Re-visited

The universe can be weird sometime.  A few hours after I posted my latest update yesterday about being fearless, I got a call from the genetic counselor.  Fear was thrown right in my face and I felt scared all over again.  I thought the purpose of that call was to discuss a potential battle with the insurance company to cover the cost of genetic testing.  Nope.  She had the results already.  I was surprised by how fast it took.  I was more shocked that my insurance company did not even turn it down, considering how much I have fought against them to cover the medical expenses in 2015.  She said I had to come in to discuss the results.  Ahem.  When I first met with her four weeks ago, she explained that if there was a negative result she would call me and tell me over the phone.  If it's either positive or uncertain variant, I would have to come in to discuss.  That phone call was a blur for me.  I was more prepared for the potential news that my insurance company denied the claim.  I was not prepared for this.  I caught the following words, "variance..." and  "too complicated to discuss over the phone..."  I scheduled the appointment for Thursday, May 12th.  It was the next available appointment.  While I dreaded waiting for ten days before learning more, I am used to the waiting games that come with dealing with cancer.

I remember detesting the waiting game between the first phone call with the cancer diagnosis and the first meeting with oncologist #1.  And then I left that appointment without information I needed (no interpreter).  And then oncologist #2.  Nil.  I waited six weeks before getting all the information from oncologist #3 to fully understand my treatment options.  During that period, there were several tests.  I remember waiting anxiously for results for each test.  I waited two weeks after my surgery to learn of the stage.  This latest waiting game feels too familiar to me but I am coping better this time around.  I immediately pushed myself to continue with my routine even though I did not feel like it.  Keeping myself busy has significantly helped the past 24 hours and will continue to help me until I meet with the genetic counselor.  A massage appointment this evening was a treat as well.  Amazingly, I was able to quiet my own mind during the massage and just be in the moment.

Last night I recalled the recurring discussions in my support group about how it is so easy to get scared whenever something comes up, wondering if the cancer is coming back to haunt us.  I could relate to that last night.  I was wondering... what other cancers do I have?  And of course my imagination went wild, scaring me more and more.  Then I had to remind myself that the genetic test just communicates what cancer risks I have.  Preventive measures can be taken.  I re-read the packet of information that the genetic counselor gave me.  "Hereditary cancer" is repeatedly mentioned.  Maybe I have the type of cancer that is hereditary.  I'll find out on May 12th.