Tuesday night when I had a chance to look at the wound from the surgery on Monday. I was taken back to that scene. When I took a bath today, I felt it with my fingertips. I was taken back to that scene again. It feels like my doctor has yanked out a chunk of my skin out, not with her teeth but with scalpels! Yep I have a three-inch hole. The wound that just wouldn't close still had infection beneath the skin layers. They removed the skin layers and the abscess leftovers exposing the flesh beneath. I have been struggling emotionally with this the past two days while at the same time trying to get better physically. They took my cervix, uterus, tubes, and then now they took out a chunk of skin. What are they going to take next!?!
My doctor is very nonchalant about the whole thing. She said to keep it clean and dry and that I would be fully healed in about six to eight weeks. But but but I have a hole!?! She didn't answer my questions about how to keep it clean and dry. She said to resume my physical activities when I feel ready. That includes swimming. Hmph. Swimming pools are full of chemicals. Do I expose my flesh to that?!? Yep. Yep. It is baffling to me that she's treating it like a very minor paper cut. I told her I was surprised by the hole. She said that we had discussed last week in her office and that she will be cutting a 3-inch wound. I told her that when she said 3 inches. I envisioned a hairline cut just like the 1.5-cm wound that they cut to drain the pus pockets back in June. I didn't expect a HOLE!!!! She's still being nonchalant and didn't address all of my questions.
A spiritual friend told me to invite the healing and just roll with it. Sigh. My doctor and that friend are making it seem like healing is a simple process. It's supposed to be peachy, eh? Yet it is so... complex. I am sitting here typing this blog post and saying mantras to myself, "Embrace the hole... embrace the hole!!!!" It's so difficult!
I am reading about skin wound healing. Epsom baths, keeping clean with saline washes, applying Manuka honey, using cloth or gauze to protect the wound, etc. etc. I learned fast that the gauze hurts so I am using cotton cloth to keep it covered. I am getting myself situated to make sure I have all that I need. For the past medical issues, I am well known for researching to be best prepared. For this surgery, I was disconnected. I was feeling, "Okay... this is still a drag.... okay what's next?" So the outcome came as a huge surprise to me because I was not prepared for it at all. I am now dealing with it.
I was surprised to have the surgery scheduled four days after I first met with the specialist for a consult. I did not research the surgery and healing. I was disconnected. I was feeling discouraged that I am still trying to recover. Monday morning came, I went to the hospital with my iPad. I kept on watching TV shows, ignoring things that were happening around me. They did not have an interpreter and kept on saying, "I thought you were going to bring one!?!" Huh!?! I told several people on Thursday and Friday that they needed to make sure an interpreter was present. It was my first surgery ever to have no interpreter. They did turn on the VRI machine which amazingly worked somewhat for two parts... conversation with the nurse to prepare for the surgery and the conversation with the surgeon and the anesthesiologist. It was difficult to see the monitor when I was laid back in the bed. I was feeling exasperated that I still have problems obtaining interpreting services even after I made some noises in this particular medical center. Agh. I kept on insisting on a paper/pen communication. The nurse was irritated with me. I pushed and pushed and she relented. They sent a technician in to put in a line. She looked so nervous and thrilled to meet a Deaf person. I told her where the perfect entry was but she stated that she was not allowed to go to that area. She looked elsewhere and was poking around hurting me. I have a lovely bruise as a result. I told her to stop. I wanted someone else. I insisted that the one around my elbow is the best entry point. I know. It's my body! The nurse was irritated with me again and saying that it's very common to look for an entry point and that I should bear with it. Hmph. It was frustrating for me because I was trying to advocate for my own needs-- communication and physical needs. And she was irritated with me. I didn't deserve that. Another technician who appeared very confident in her ability came in and poked in once. You can see below in the picture -- a red dot on the bottom left side. No bruising around there. Red dot= good job. Black bruise= bad job. I was still disconnected though.
When I met with the anesthesiologist, I told him that he needed to make sure I had enough anti-nausea medication because eight years ago, I had a bad case of post operation nausea and vomitting (PONV). He said he would but I don't think he was taking me seriously. I don't think he really heard me because I had a much worse case of PONV than eight years ago. I think it was because I was not 'on' on Monday morning. I was really disconnected and not willing to face the reality that I was going under the knife again. I was just staring at my iPad constantly. I was not fully advocating for my needs as I normally would have. I was throwing up everything I was digesting up until Tuesday night. I just started eating and drinking again yesterday.
When they were ready to take me to the operating room, I sprang a couple of tears from my eyes. It was hitting me hard. The operating room nurse assured me she was going to take care of me. The rest of my hospital visit was positive- great nurses and great staff.
Recovery has been dicey and tricky. I am grateful for Mike's support and help at home the past few days. I was a puking mess... I have been a crying mess... I have been in a lot of pain. I am fortunate to have someone there to help me along. Thank you, Mike.
Let the healing begin... my nonchalant doctor said I will be fine. I can just go back to work the next day if I wanted to. I don't know how I could have when I was throwing up constantly all day on Tuesday. I am trying to get used to the pains that come with the skin trying to heal. I am hoping I can drive again tomorrow. I can't bend down because it hurts. I am trying to get comfortable with sitting up for an extended period of time, let alone be on a laptop. I had scheduled myself to go on a mini-vacation next week. I wonder how I can go. My nonchalant doctor said I would be fine and can go on that vacation. I am wondering if her nonchalant manner is a way to challenge me to heal quicker. Maybe... maybe so. Maybe I should just stop thinking about it too hard and just...... heal (think Zen Zen Zen) agghhhh!!!! Healing... can be so simple... yet so complex.
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