A Much Needed Getaway

I had been aching the whole year to just get away from it all… work, school, and medical stuff.   I initially wanted to visit my favorite place in Mexico—San Miguel de Allende but with my open wound, I knew that it would be hard to leave the country especially if I needed immediate medical attention.  It has been unpredictable with the infection.  What was similar to San Miguel de Allende is another favorite place—Santa Fe, New Mexico where there are urgent care centers that I could go to if I needed to.  I made it happen despite some obstacles.

April Carver, the main character of the TV series, Chasing Life, learned in her ongoing battle with Leukemia that traveling is soothing for her soul.  She managed to get away to a tropical destination.  And then she went to Italy.  The need to get away was nourishing for her just like it was for me.

I wanted to do it before the year ended.  My company gives me a bank of time-off days.  Those could be used for sick leave or vacation.  They are mine to use up.  Up until this year, I have been religiously saving those days for vacations.  I had the luxury of showing up to work with a bad cold because I worked remotely in the comforts of my pajamas and on my laptop, sometime in my bed even!  This year, I ended up using a lot of those days for medical leave (surgeries and recovery, visits to oncologists, tests, etc, etc.)   Just seeing my own time-off report for this year was like a stab to the heart.  I haven’t had a chance to play nor relax!

One of the biggest obstacles was the surgery I had two weeks ago.  I woke up in the recovery room in extreme pain.  I was wondering to myself how I could even possibly go on a vacation in nine days.  My surgeon who I have come to consider overly zealous said that I would be fine the next day.  I was not.  I was hurting and adjusting to the hole that required a routine of care.  I was walking with my back down because it simply hurt too much to stand straight up.  I felt like my recovery was like the process of evolution.  The picture below perfectly sums my process of recovery. 

It took me a few days to fully stand up without any stabbing pain.  Another challenge is being comfortable with sitting for an extended period of time.  I knew that I had quite a trip from Baltimore to Denver then to Albuquerque then back the same route.  I was hurting when I got to Albuquerque last Wednesday.  I was typing part of this blog entry on my last flight from Denver to Baltimore last Sunday.  And I feel pretty good.  I will be landing in an hour.  I was frustrated that the flight was delayed almost three hours due to some mechanical issues with the plane.  I spent four hours in the Denver airport walking around and standing which gave my wound a relief and made this final leg home easier. 

I had scheduled a steep hike in the vacation schedule.  I also scheduled advanced yoga classes.  Those had to be cancelled.  I was disappointed but was surprised that I was not bored at all.  I was really enjoying the trip and my dear friend’s company having culinary adventures, exploring arts, and walking around the old town. 

I attended a therapy yoga class with a favorite teacher.  I have struggled to return to yoga after my second surgery.  I would try and find I was still too weak here and there.   A therapy yoga class is designed for those with specific physical ailments or illnesses.  It was the perfect class.  I did not have to do any sitting poses because those hurt.  She however had me do Supta Baddha Konasana.  

I was resistant to that particular pose because this past year it has felt like I had to spread my legs for too many doctors.  Doctor visits have become an invasion of privacy for me.  I felt violated repeatedly.  Now in yoga, I was to spread my legs too!  Agh.  I challenged myself to go for it and… it WAS healing.  I had control.  It was a positive experience.  After starting with that, she challenged me to do some standing poses.  I was surprised I could do some standing poses without causing any harm to my wound.  That whole class was like a booster to my self-esteem.  I had thought I am a wimp in yoga.  I left feeling more confident that my ability to do challenging poses is still there.  I just have to push myself.  The next day, I went back.  And…  I did a headstand for four FULL minutes.  I was not timing myself but the teacher was and praised me for doing it.  That was my first headstand since I got diagnosed with cancer.  YAY!  I was surprised and beaming with pride.  

I ignored protests from some friends and decided to go with my surgeon’s advice, “You can do whatever you want to if you feel comfortable,” I decided to go to a spa resort with natural hot tubs.  My surgeon said I could do whatever I wanted to as long as I kept the “hole” clean and dry.  She said I could swim!  I am still nervous about dipping in the pool with chemicals.  But… hot tubs with water from natural sources in the mountains couldn’t hurt.  I was surprised at how fast the wound healed.  I later learned that the water was high in magnesium and sulfate which Epsom salts also contain.  Part of my daily routine of taking care of wound is taking a bath with Epsom salts at least twice a day.  I went to the spa twice and it was soothing and healing. 

I wanted to stay away from reality but… my reality is looking better with each passing day so it’s time to live again.   I came back home and returned to work on Monday.  I went back to playing racquetball and loved it.  Yesterday, at the two-week post-op appointment, my surgeon said I was healing well and the wound is closing.  The infection is forever gone.  I no longer can see the flesh.  I can see the skin layers coming together from bottoms up.  Tomorrow, I am challenging my fear and will jump in a pool to do laps again.  I am quite nervous about it but I know I will be okay. 

Santa Fe was not just a vacation for me—to get away from it all.  It was also a place where I could begin healing and regain confidence in myself.  Onward. 

Healing can be simple, yet so complex

When I was a teenager, my family and I were watching this horrible movie, "Cape Fear".  It was so scary for me that I jumped onto my father's lap and buried my head in his chest.  The most traumatizing scene for me was when the guy raped a woman and then proceeded to take a chunk of her face with his teeth leaving a gaping hole in her beautiful cheek.

Tuesday night when I had a chance to look at the wound from the surgery on Monday.  I was taken back to that scene.  When I took a bath today, I felt it with my fingertips.  I was taken back to that scene again.  It feels like my doctor has yanked out a chunk of my skin out, not with her teeth but with scalpels!  Yep I have a three-inch hole.  The wound that just wouldn't close still had infection beneath the skin layers.  They removed the skin layers and the abscess leftovers exposing the flesh beneath.  I have been struggling emotionally with this the past two days while at the same time trying to get better physically.  They took my cervix, uterus, tubes, and then now they took out a chunk of skin.  What are they going to take next!?!

My doctor is very nonchalant about the whole thing.  She said to keep it clean and dry and that I would be fully healed in about six to eight weeks.  But but but I have a hole!?!  She didn't answer my questions about how to keep it clean and dry.  She said to resume my physical activities when I feel ready. That includes swimming. Hmph.  Swimming pools are full of chemicals.  Do I expose my flesh to that?!?   Yep. Yep.  It is baffling to me that she's treating it like a very minor paper cut.  I told her I was surprised by the hole.  She said that we had discussed last week in her office and that she will be cutting a 3-inch wound.  I told her that when she said 3 inches. I envisioned a hairline cut just like the 1.5-cm wound that they cut to drain the pus pockets back in June.  I didn't expect a HOLE!!!! She's still being nonchalant and didn't address all of my questions.

A spiritual friend told me to invite the healing and just roll with it.  Sigh.  My doctor and that friend are making it seem like healing is a simple process.  It's supposed to be peachy, eh? Yet it is so... complex.  I am sitting here typing this blog post and saying mantras to myself, "Embrace the hole... embrace the hole!!!!"  It's so difficult!

I am reading about skin wound healing.  Epsom baths, keeping clean with saline washes, applying Manuka honey, using cloth or gauze to protect the wound, etc. etc.   I learned fast that the gauze hurts so I am using cotton cloth to keep it covered.  I am getting myself situated to make sure I have all that I need.  For the past medical issues, I am well known for researching to be best prepared.  For this surgery, I was disconnected.  I was feeling, "Okay... this is still a drag.... okay what's next?"  So the outcome came as a huge surprise to me because I was not prepared for it at all.  I am now dealing with it.

I was surprised to have the surgery scheduled four days after I first met with the specialist for a consult.  I did not research the surgery and healing.  I was disconnected.  I was feeling discouraged that I am still trying to recover.  Monday morning came, I went to the hospital with my iPad.  I kept on watching TV shows, ignoring things that were happening around me.  They did not have an interpreter and kept on saying, "I thought you were going to bring one!?!" Huh!?!  I told several people on Thursday and Friday that they needed to make sure an interpreter was present.  It was my first surgery ever to have no interpreter.  They did turn on the VRI machine which amazingly worked somewhat for two parts... conversation with the nurse to prepare for the surgery and the conversation with the surgeon and the anesthesiologist.  It was difficult to see the monitor when I was laid back in the bed.  I was feeling exasperated that I still have problems obtaining interpreting services even after I made some noises in this particular medical center.  Agh. I kept on insisting on a paper/pen communication.  The nurse was irritated with me.  I pushed and pushed and she relented.  They sent a technician in to put in a line.  She looked so nervous and thrilled to meet a Deaf person.  I told her where the perfect entry was but she stated that she was not allowed to go to that area.  She looked elsewhere and was poking around hurting me.  I have a lovely bruise as a result.  I told her to stop.  I wanted someone else.  I insisted that the one around my elbow is the best entry point.  I know.  It's my body!  The nurse was irritated with me again and saying that it's very common to look for an entry point and that I should bear with it.  Hmph.  It was frustrating for me because I was trying to advocate for my own needs-- communication and physical needs.  And she was irritated with me.  I didn't deserve that.  Another technician who appeared very confident in her ability came in and poked in once.  You can see below in the picture -- a red dot on the bottom left side.  No bruising around there.  Red dot= good job.  Black bruise= bad job.  I was still disconnected though.

When I met with the anesthesiologist, I told him that he needed to make sure I had enough anti-nausea medication because eight years ago, I had a bad case of post operation nausea and vomitting (PONV).  He said he would but I don't think he was taking me seriously.  I don't think he really heard me because I had a much worse case of PONV than eight years ago.  I think it was because I was not 'on' on Monday morning.  I was really disconnected and not willing to face the reality that I was going under the knife again.  I was just staring at my iPad constantly. I was not fully advocating for my needs as I normally would have.  I was throwing up everything I was digesting up until Tuesday night.  I just started eating and drinking again yesterday.

When they were ready to take me to the operating room, I sprang a couple of tears from my eyes.  It was hitting me hard.  The operating room nurse assured me she was going to take care of me.  The rest of my hospital visit was positive- great nurses and great staff.  

Recovery has been dicey and tricky.  I am grateful for Mike's support and help at home the past few days.  I was a puking mess... I have been a crying mess... I have been in a lot of pain.  I am fortunate to have someone there to help me along.  Thank you, Mike.  

Let the healing begin... my nonchalant doctor said I will be fine.  I can just go back to work the next day if I wanted to.  I don't know how I could have when I was throwing up constantly all day on Tuesday.  I am trying to get used to the pains that come with the skin trying to heal.  I am hoping I can drive again tomorrow.  I can't bend down because it hurts.  I am trying to get comfortable with sitting up for an extended period of time, let alone be on a laptop.  I had scheduled myself to go on a mini-vacation next week.  I wonder how I can go.  My nonchalant doctor said I would be fine and can go on that vacation.  I am wondering if her nonchalant manner is a way to challenge me to heal quicker.  Maybe... maybe so.  Maybe I should just stop thinking about it too hard and just...... heal (think Zen Zen Zen) agghhhh!!!! Healing... can be so simple... yet so complex.  

Achieving milestones then.... it's back in the operating room again

This coming Monday is going to be my surgery #3 in 2015.  Before that, I saw the inside of an operating room only a handful of times in my entire life.  Now, it's becoming too familiar.  Preparations... no eating/ drinking after midnight....  No vitamins....  No over-the-counter medications....  Make sure you have transportation afterwards...  Yada yada.  Agh.   This time it's a minor surgery.  BUT...  I'm really dreading it.  I am dreading the idea of going under the knife again.

The past few weeks I have been achieving great milestones in my recovery.  I was determined to climb to the summit of Mt. Cowles, the highest point in San Diego, when I was in town.  There was a heat wave going on.  I still HAD to do it to prove it to myself that I am still capable of doing physically challenging things even after a fight with cancer and recovering from a major surgery.  And I climbed to the top when it was 103 degrees.  Yay.  I finally won some racquetball games again.  I finally reached my regular routine of swimming a mile.  I finally went stand up paddleboarding again in Orange County two weeks ago.  I was able to do some physical labor as well.  I was on a roll with school and other parts of my life.  My energy level was better.  I was feeling really good about myself.  Yes, I was still struggling with the open wound that didn't seem to close.  It just keeps on draining.  When I was in San Diego, it started to bleed a bit too much.  I went to the urgent care.  I was hoping for a WHOLE month of not seeing a doctor in September.  That was broken when I went to the urgent care.  Dang.  

I saw a different specialist yesterday about my wound.  She said that the infection never went away. Sure, the worst part of it was managed by antibiotics but she said that antibiotics are not effective for this kind of infection.  The surface of the skin got staph which was treated with antibiotic ointment.  The infection is internal.  In order to allow the body to heal, they have to get inside to examine the infection to see its severity to determine the next steps.  I have no idea of what news I will be waking up to in the recovery room.  It could be that it was an easy fix-- meaning opening up the wound further to allow full drainage.  It could be a temporary fix requiring repair surgery later down the road.  I hate the feeling of going under not knowing.  Alas, months of this craziness made me agree to go for the surgery.  It has to stop somehow at some point.  My doctor said this is the first step.  She and I are hoping that it's also the last step.  She and I wouldn't know until Monday.