I came back home from Minnesota feeling icky. First, the travel itself was hard. I was grateful to a dear friend for helping me with my bag from the airport to my room. He did the same thing for my return home and escorted me to the check-in counter to drop off my bag. Then the conference schedule was heavily packed. Mentally, I was thrilled. I was stimulated the whole time. It was awesome to be able to talk about the work we do as Deaf interpreters. Physically, I was worn out but I kept on going until the end of the conference. Mentally, I am grateful for that. Physically, I am paying the consequences now. I got home at 3 AM Thursday morning due to flight delays. And then I crashed.
My infection got worse. This is my third surgery-related infection. This one has been around for about 10 weeks. It resulted into a huge abscess that started to bother me very much three weeks ago. I struggled with sitting. I was put on a round of antibiotics again. I started to feel better after a few days. The abscess was shrinking. Yay. It was not gone when I left for Minnesota. I hoped that it would go away on it own after I was done with the antibiotics. Nope. It became worse.
I had a follow-up with my internal medicine doctor this morning to check on the abscess. I was hurting. Everything hurts when I sit down. She checked on it and find that the inflammation has become worse and the abscess has grown bigger. It now measures 3.5 inches long, 1.5 inches wide and .5 inch deep. She is working with Dr. Jewell to see how it can be resolved. Dr. Jewell wanted a CT scan to take a closer look at the abscess and see if it affected the surrounding areas. I dreaded doing the CT scan... because today's scan was my fourth CT scan with contrast in the past six weeks. Yep... I had to drink the radioactive crap and get it injected inside me. I had been doing well the first three CT scans but today it made me really sick. I am starting another course of antibiotics in hopes that it will make the infection go away for once and all. It's a stronger type of antibiotics and I was advised to eat yogurt with it because it would make me nauseous. Radioactive crap and first doses... a terrible combination. Forcing myself to eat some dinner tonight helped but after an hour, I'm nauseous all over again. Sitting is too irritating to the abscess so I was advised to lay down to minimize the pressure on that area or I can stand and walk around. If I'm not better by Wednesday, they are going to have to open up and drain the abscess. My doctor does not want to do that because it increases the risk of more infection.
I came home in tears. I feel frustrated. I want to be BETTER. I don't want to see doctors for a while. I don't want to be poked. I don't want to take any radioactive crap or medications. I don't want to be sick. I laid in my bed for a while today as I worked. It did feel good to lay down again. I was so thrilled to stop laying down following the surgery that I was ready to be on my feet once again. Today, I felt like I was returning home when I laid in the bed this afternoon. It's okay to lay down sometime. Recovery is a gradual process.... and it is testing my patience.
As I struggled today with all that was going on with me physically, there was this person who kept on demanding that I reply to her emails or call her. I did not see any of my personal emails the whole day until I got out of the bed. Her last email was full of hurtful language. I do feel bad for her frustration of not hearing from me. I must confess... since I got diagnosed with cancer, I am valuing my private time even more. I am behind on emails some days but... it is my way of recollecting myself before I face the world. I can not attend to everything and everyone at once. That's one big con about emails. Prompt responses are expected. I miss the good ol' pony express. People expected less from me back then. Sometime I need to just curl up in my bed and rest while I shut out the world. Frankly, there's nothing wrong with that. Let me be, please.
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