Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Week 5 Recovery: Springing Forward

Spring is finally here!  I am enjoying the spring flowers that have been appearing in the backyard and the neighborhood.  I started walking much more.  Chocolate, who has been patient, is really grateful for the longer walks with me again.  He is probably also grateful that the snow is actually gone for a good while.  It was validating to hear from some girlfriends who came over last Sunday recognize the progress I have made in my recovery.  They saw me about two weeks post-op and again three weeks later.  They said I look much more normal now.

Week 5 was the first week I felt more like myself.  My mind was feeling more clear.  I was more alert and productive.  Yes, I am recovering from a major surgery.  People wondered whether to call it a major surgery.  A hysterectomy is a major surgery as it involves the removal of a major organ from the body.  It takes time to heal. 

I am able to do more things.  I am cooking daily again.  Driving is becoming easier.  I gave interpreting another try and enjoyed it so much.  I re-visited my "nerd-dom" by working a bit on a research paper.  It was so stimulating.  There continue to be restrictions: I cannot lift anything over 10 pounds.  I ache to lift Chocolate from the ground to hug him.  I cannot push or pull anything (i.e. vacuum, shopping cart).  I cannot take baths nor swim.  I cannot do any workouts except for walking.  I crave for my full independence, which includes going shopping on my own.  I want my active lifestyle back.  Patience...

Last Monday, a shopping cart was accidentally pushed into my abdomen.  That really hurt and made me really dizzy afterwards.  I was sore the whole day.  I was relieved that I was feeling okay the next day. 

There has been so much reflection on my part as well.  It was like I had just gotten off the wild roller coaster ride that I did not want to be on.  I am slowly reminiscing that ride.  It is surreal to be exposed to different possibilities when it comes to cancer.  I know of a woman who got her esophageal cancer diagnosis a week after mine and she died two months ago.  I know of a woman who got her breast cancer diagnosis two weeks after mine and is about to die any day now.  Upon hearing those stories, I struggle with whether it is okay to feel blessed I am not in that position.  I do but my heart aches for those women and their loved ones.

My friend gave me a book to read to help me get through this cancer journey, 50 Days of Hope (Eib, 2012)Truthfully I was not able to open it until this past week.  My life felt too overwhelming to read something like this until now.  The author spoke of how she does not exactly know how other cancer patients feel but she does understand to a degree.
"But I do know what it feels like:
To hear my name and 'cancer' in a sentence together.
To wait agonizingly long for test results.
To struggle over treatment decisions."  (
pg. xiv)
This part of the reading struck a chord with me.  The second item reminds me of a text message I got from a friend back in January.  The conversation went like this:

Friend: "I heard this ugly rumor about you." 
Me: "What's that?"
Friend: "That you have cancer."
Me: "Yep, true."

Naomi and cancer in a sentence together.  Weird and sucky.  It's the truth.  I became part of the 'ugly rumor mill.'  It's like I have earned the scarlet letter marking.  At the same time, I am conflicted.  I am cancer-free after two different types of treatments: hormone therapy and surgery.  I thought that in order to be part of the 'cancer club', I had to experience radiation and/or chemotherapy.  Do I call myself a cancer survivor?  Or do I not?  My ride with cancer was for a short time and I'm cancer-free.  I do understand what it feels like to wonder and wait with so many questions and being in such a horrible fearful state.  And being forced to make a decision: become pregnant or live.  Yet, I am stuck with oncology visits for life because there's always the risk of the cancer coming back to haunt me. Well, I hope not.

The author also said one other thing that resonated with me.  She spoke of hoping that the cancer diagnosis was made in error.  I spent countless moments wondering, and hoping "What if they really are wrong?  I really don't have cancer.  It was something else."  Once the reality sunk in, I immediately wanted to find a woman who was in the exactly same situation was I was in.  The author did just that and could not find such a person.  She met other cancer patients and survivors.  I never found the woman who was dealing with the same thing I was.  However, I met cancer patients and survivors who have been instrumental in my process.  It was them that helped give me the courage to move forward. 

No comments:

Post a Comment