Emotional Recovery

I continue to talk with my HysterSisters on a daily basis.  We don't just talk about the physical aspects of recovering from the surgery.  We talk about the emotional aspect as well.  Some of them had both of their ovaries removed so they are experiencing surgical menopause.  That comes with a sudden change in hormones causing some emotional ups and downs.  Some of them had one ovary removed.  That comes with emotional ups and downs as well.  Like some women, I kept both of my ovaries.  However, it is common for the ovaries to go into 'shock' temporarily because they are now alone in the body without the rest of the reproductive system.  The HysterSisters and I talk about how we seem to cry more after the surgery.  We know it is part of the hormonal changes we are going through.  Like one day I was watching a movie that had a touching ending but I started sobbing so hard and asked Mike for a hug.  One HysterSister spoke of how she cried at an advertisement on the TV.  Very random.  Some of them cry about sex.  We discuss our fears of having sex again and whether it will be different.  Sometime if we were told hurtful things, we cry more than how we usually would if we did not have the surgery.

We talk about how we were told by people that we would get help during recovery only to find out people did not follow through.  We feel hurt and confused.  As I mentioned in earlier posts, I do not like to ask for help.  No way am I going to follow up with people who said they would help.  I figured they had other things going on in their lives.  I am blessed with whatever help I can get when people are ready to offer the help. 

One HysterSister vented yesterday about how her husband told her on Sunday that she needed to pull her weight around the house and told her to bath the dog, do laundry, and go food shopping.  This was during our week 3 recovery (I am now starting week 4).  She knew that she needed to take it easy but... felt obliged.  As a result, she was in horrible pain and started bleeding.  If she continues to bleed, she will need a repair surgery.  :(  I have not heard from her today and I worry about her.  I hope she is okay. 

This morning, I vented to the group.  One woman who knows about my cancer had the audacity to say to my face last night that I would never understand because I was never a mother.  That was a slap in the face for me.  I do feel sorry for her that she has so much anger inside her to say such mean, hurtful things.  I told her that it was not a nice thing to say before the conversation ended.  I do hope that she somehow makes peace with her own anger so she stop spewing such harm to others.  What helped me today was talking about the situation with the HysterSisters.  Comforting words from them that I am copying and pasting here to serve as a reminder for myself as I work through this. 

"I am so sorry she said that to you. I, too, always heard those, 'not a real mom' type comments. So hurtful, and so wrong. It bothers me that someone would make them in the first place, but especially right now when you are recovering from this life-changing surgery. Giving birth doesn't make you mother. Love makes you a mother."

"Sending you big hugs. Know that there are lots of us here thinking of you and who have been there."

"I'm glad you told her it wasn't appropriate! And being a mother isn't about carrying and giving birth to a child; it's loving, nurturing and caring about a child with your whole being."

"Feel better but also grieve if you need to!!!!"

"Naomi-- oh, what a low blow! I can't believe she would say such a thing. You saved your life by having this surgery, hold onto that. She is clearly an immature person and not worth your time, so it's unfortunate that you have to deal with her. As others have said so well, love makes you a mother, not giving birth."

Someone else who had a hysterectomy a long time ago said to me today: "There are some cruel people out there who takes every chance they can to knock us down. You do not have to bear kids to be a mama. I learned that a long time ago. And I apologize to you for her hurting you like that. I know how that feels it has been said to me a number of times. It will be 10 years this June since I have had my hysterectomy. I can't say it don't still hurt when I am around someone with babies Lord knows I wanted one and still do."

After I started to feel a bit better after talking with women who get it, I started pondering for a few hours about what it means to be a mother.  I remember I attended a spiritual meeting six years ago.  The speaker said that all of us have the maternal instinct.  I remember thinking, "No way, not me."  I came to realize that the maternal instinct is universal.  And it comes out when the person is ready to allow it to shine through.  I have seen it with people who never had any biological children.  My dear friend, Mary, who never bore any child of her own helped raised her nephews.  She was very invested in their lives.  She is still very involved even though they are grown up.  In fact, whenever I am sick, I LOVE it when she takes care of me because her maternal side comes oozing out! 

Sure I did want to bear children.  My dear friend, Julie, invited me to go to her prenatal appointment with her husband, Terry.  I became teary-eyed in the room with them as they saw their baby, Tova, on the TV screen via ultrasound.  By the way, Tova is now 11 years old.  I loved seeing them holding hands as they watched their baby on the screen with such joy.  They were so touched that they actually created this very creature.  I knew then that I would love to have that experience with the right person.  Sure I was in relationships with some men after that experience.  I did not want them to be the father of my child.  I did not want to rush into getting pregnant with someone who had different parenting values and expectations.  When I started dating Mike, I observed him with his boys.  I loved what I saw.  He is a wonderful father.  He tries his best.  He is always thinking of his boys.  He prefers to buy his boys new clothes rather than for himself.  That is a cue for me to shop clothes for HIM.  I liked how he sat with his youngest to read him a story in ASL and worked with him on counting.  He loves to record his youngest signing funny things like, 'Daddy hugged me so hard that I farted!'.  I liked how he talked with his oldest about how to deal with conflicts.  He loves to talk with his oldest about sports.  I thought to myself, "Aha.  I found this one."  The timing was not right for Mike and I to start trying.  We wanted to find a home first.  We wanted to settle down a bit.  We found this beautiful home in Annapolis that would accommodate his boys and maybe a baby.  We were about to feel like we could start trying... then this cancer came along.  Ugh.  

Do I have the maternal instinct?  Sure.  I remember it coming out when I first got my dog, Chocolate.  I know pets and humans are different but still.  I did not want a dog, truthfully.  I did not want the responsibility.  He came to me from two bad homes and male owners.  When I first met him, he had no soul in his eyes.  Two days later, he remembered me and joy twinkled in his eyes.  I knew I had to adopt him right then.  He had a lot of issues.  The first few months, I would fuss over little things like first-time parents would.  I took him to vet for every little thing the first year.  Chocolate's issues certainly challenged my patience.  I consulted my friends and professionals about what I can do to help him become a happy, confident dog.  It took quite a while!  I am happy to report that with my rearing, he is a happy, confident dog and is comfortable with men again.  He is an amazing dog.  People adore him!  In fact when I send him to dog-sitters, I still have a long list of details.  Some think I overdo it but... I want to be sure every little need is taken care of.  It has been four years since I have had him and I am grateful each day.  I travel a lot less for him and I am okay with that.  I am really happy to be home with him.  When I do travel, I take him along if I can.  If I can't, I ache to go back home to him. 

Mike's boys have come into my life.  They still live with their mother in a different state but will be coming to be with us for the summer.  The oldest will be living with us during the school year hopefully this fall.  Developing a solid relationship with them will take time.  It is work in progress.  I noticed my maternal instinct coming out whenever I interact with them or whenever I think of them.  Mike and I visited schools for the oldest boy and I found myself asking questions that any good mother would ask.  When the oldest boy visited us last February, I worried about some things and gave him some first aid and medication to make him feel better.  It is a delicate balance because I do not want to do anything to replace their mother.  I will get that figured out just like any new parent does.  

The bottom line... sure I probably will never understand what it is like to be pregnant and deliver a child.  But I do know something about love and I will share that the way I see it based on my own experiences and beliefs.  And each of us expresses love differently.  Some women contacted me after learning of my story about losing my fertility sharing their own stories of losing the same thing.  They shared their pain and sadness.  Some were able to go on to become mothers in their own ways.  I am grateful to them for sharing their stories.  We all have maternal instinct one way or another.  I think this world would be a better place to live if we stop making biology a requirement to understand what it means to be a parent.