Flashbacks

Yesterday, I went to see a new doctor about my wound.  I left the office with flashbacks of the past year.  The agonizing pain and the fear of cancer claiming my life.  After the visit, my friend tried to make sure I could lay down comfortably with my legs propped up.  She asked me if I had a chance to cry.  I said that I really wanted to cry but just couldn't.  I couldn't cry the whole day yesterday.  It felt like I have a full cup of tears ready somewhere behind my eyelids to runneth over.  But nothing has been spilled yet.

I like my doctor.  He's better than the overzealous one in Maryland.  He was open and honest.  He spent a good amount of time with me to discuss everything and plus treat the wound.  Upon examining the wound (aka the former hole), he found that the innermost edge has not fully healed.  The rest of it healed nicely.  He decided to apply silver nitrate to that edge.  That burnt!  I was in shock afterwards by how it hurt that I became nauseous and lightheaded.  They gave me pain medication to take orally on the spot.  I also have two types of ointment to apply to the wound to help minimize the pain and promote healing.  I am back in four weeks to see if it worked.  Upon reading the forum that I used to help me heal from the surgery last October, I learn that some people need just one silver nitrate treatment while some others need several rounds.  Ugh.

I noticed that one of the forms I was filling out had a checklist to be completed by the doctor.  The checklist was a list of red flags for the Lynch Syndrome.  I had one red flag...  endometrial cancer before the age of 50.  The doctor explained that the Lynch Syndrome is a type of genetic condition that has a high risk of colon cancer.  Those with Lynch Syndrome also has high risk of getting endometrial cancer- this is very common.  They also have risk of getting other cancers: ovarian, stomach, small intestine, liver, urinary, brain, and skin.  He asked if I had genetic testing done.  Doctor after doctor the past year has asked me the same.  Dr. Diaz-Montes said her pathologist did genetic testing of my cancer cells and that I tested negative.  Dr. Jewell said genetic testing was done as well and it was negative.  What remains unclear at this time is what type of genetic testing was done and what was specifically tested.  The doctor yesterday asked if I was tested for the Lynch syndrome.  I did not know.  He had me sign a release form for Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center to send my records to him to review.  If I haven't been tested for Lynch Syndrome, then I will be tested for that.

In the support group meeting last week, someone was talking about how it feels like there's always something else.  I could relate to that yesterday.  I started thinking, "What if...",  "What should I do?", "What is gonna happen to me?"  Yada yada.  I decided that I couldn't allow the flashbacks of fearing for the worse consume me.  I laid down and meditated for about an hour.  The only thing I can do at this time is to focus on helping the wound heal and continue living my life.  I will hear back from the doctor about the next steps and deal with one thing at a time.