An update: I am an impatient patient (oxymoronic, I know). Whenever I am told I can do something, I take it quite literally and jump in with a full blast. When my medical team at the end of November told me I could go live my life again, I took that literally and went to advanced yoga classes and went hiking. Last week, I hiked with friends up the Mt. Woodson in San Diego (7.10 miles round trip). I was aching all over the next day and walking funny. Two days later, I was determined to take on Mt. Cowles (a 3-mile round trip), also in San Diego, despite an aching body. And I did. After that second hike, I found that my wound was bleeding. Whoops. My doctor said I just irritated it and instructed me to go back on the Epsom salt bath and prescription ointment treatment for two weeks and that I'll be right as rain. I love this particular doctor because she gets me. She said, "Go do whatever you want to!" Yay. I have had a full year away from my favorite activities. My friend who just had a bilateral mastectomy two weeks ago was telling me when I visited her that she wanted to feel like herself again. I told her I knew exactly what she meant. When I wanted to feel like me, I need to be active again. I was aching to get back to my active lifestyle and had numerous obstacles to overcome.
Part of my healing process involved a re-exploration of womanhood. The past month I have been increasingly aware that I am set apart from women my age. This reality was slapped in my face when I was cleaning up and found my supply of tampons and overnight maxi pads. I did not need them anymore. Sure this reality was in the back of my mind for months after my surgery but it was like I was not ready to face it. I wanted to get better first before I dealt with the fact I no longer needed those stuff. I found a tampon here and there in my purses. I thought that maybe I would get them out but I just could not. I was not ready. I was rationalizing... I am a "always be prepared just in case" kind of gal. I was able to give a tampon to a woman who needed it. See, it came in handy! Last month I was able to pass those tampons and pads on to my menstruating friends. In the past two weeks, my friends were complaining to me that they were dealing with painful menstruation. I used to have those a lot leading up to the discovery of uterine polyps. Then I realized that I did not have those anymore. I no longer had to worry about avoiding inversions in yoga while I am menstruating. This could be a good thing. I try to relate to women who have had menopause. I still cannot. I still have functional ovaries. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle. A perfect analogy exists in my Deaf community- hard of hearing folks often say they feel stuck in between hearing and Deaf worlds. I feel stuck just the same. I feel I am stuck in between menstruating women and those women who are done.
My reproductive system was taken away from me and I had to reassess what it meant to be a woman. I was raised in a society that believes that if woman is unable to bear a child, she's not all woman. The greatest irony though which also reveals the harsh imbalance of our society-- if a man does not inseminate a female to produce a child, the man is not made to feel he is not truly male. Some women with whom I have spoken the past year commented that if they were unable to use their baby-making equipment, they do not feel like a woman. I can relate to a sense. It was like a general biological expectation of women to bear children. I thought I was going to bear a child at one point or another in my life as if it was a given. When it was clear I was not going to bear a child, it was like my world was turned upside-down. On top of it all, my mother had her view of what it means to be a woman. I could never fit in that definition growing up. I was repeatedly told I was unladylike and not feminine enough.
Needless to say, labels are harsh. Labels pacify people's need to categorize people. I have always believed that my truest label is simply Naomi. If you want to know more about me, ask and ye shall learn. Don't categorize me. Don't classify me. Despite my die-hard philosophical take on labels, I am still a softie. I was affected by the society's expectation and definition of womanhood even more this past year. I woke up one morning a few days after my hysterectomy, I immediately felt my pelvic area and could feel that my uterus was gone. I felt my vaginal cuff (it is called cuff without the cervix). I felt different. I cried. What became of me? Who am I? Am I still a woman? Over the past few months, I have been processing what it means to be a woman. I read some stuff about womanhood. A woman can be a woman without bearing a child just like a man can still be a man without insemination. I came across this wonderful quote in my readings on womanhood that resonated with me:
"She is free in her wilderness, she is a wanderess, a drop of free water. She knows nothing of borders and cares nothing for rules or customs. 'Time' for her isn't something to fight against. Her life flows clean, with passion, like fresh water." -Roman Payne
My name is Naomi and I AM a woman. Exploration of womanhood is a life-long journey and I still have a lot of mileage in me. I am still learning but I will try my darnedest not to be bound by the societal expectations of me as a woman. I will mold my identity as a woman in the way that works for me, only me. Let me be.
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