As I write this post, I am on a flight to California for
another work trip. I used to require
window seats. I liked to be away from
the busy happenings in the aisle. I
liked to gaze over the changing landscapes as I flew. I liked to lean on that side to sleep. This infection has made me require an aisle
seat so I could get up and walk around to minimize the aggravation on my wound.
I carry a travel pillow with me for me to sit on because many seats aggravate
my wound.
My posture has changed.
It made me sit or stand in a particular way to accommodate the wound. Is it good?
Probably not but it feels comfortable to me now.
It was determined about 10 days ago that the infection was
no longer in my body. My white blood
cell count has dropped to the normal ranges.
Goodbye, antibiotics. I look
forward to healing from the nausea and diarrhea that the antibiotics brought
on. After learning the good news, I
decided I wanted a break. The wound care
specialist, however, strongly advised that I keep on using the antibiotic
ointment and cleansing the wound area until it is fully healed. After months of poking, medications,
ointments, yada yada, I decided to be rebellious and ditched the ointment for a
few days. Bad idea. It has slowed down the recovery. I was encouraged to accept this wound as part
of my new normal. Oh brother. That little open wound that keeps on
draining…. and is a huge annoyance. I suppose
so.
I have learned to adjust my schedule… I would do a task that
involves sitting for an hour then I stand up and do other stuff before sitting
again. That is probably a good thing
because I have heard repeatedly from numerous sources that one should get up
and walk around at least every hour to keep ‘active.’ So… the wound is making me active.
To ensure my wound remains clean, I have to wear cotton
underwear. I used to dread them. I preferred nylon, satin, or lace
underwear. Now… cotton! Boring, old cotton! Okay.
I got some new cotton underwear… and they are actually comfortable. Does that mean I am wearing cotton for
life? I don’t know.
I think that the point of this blog is... I still do not know what my new normal
is. When cancer survivors and caregivers
spoke of it, I thought they were referring to it as a destination… like I would
have arrived at a final place after experiencing cancer. It is not.
It’s an ongoing progression in which I continue to learn and discover about
the changes that have emerged. For
example, I wear cotton underwear now.
But later on, what would my underwear choice be? I don’t know.
What would it be like when I finally have a closed and healed wound no longer hindering how I operate? I don’t know. I think I will probably make a beeline to the
chiropractor to get my posture straightened out.
For a while there, I thought that I would have to see
doctors on a regular basis. It was
driving me crazy. I was seeing doctors
on a weekly basis or even more. The
hiatus in my insurance coverage was actually a blessing in disguise. It gave me a 15-day break. My life as a cancer patient/ survivor made me
feel like I was in a crowded space where I could not have some privacy and
serenity. Before attending my grandma’s
funeral in Portland, Oregon a few weeks ago, I stayed with a friend in
Independence, Oregon. I loved her hometown. It was so small. It was so quiet. Stores closed early. There were more open spaces than buildings. It was nice.
A big city felt cancerous to me.
Does that mean I want to move to escape to the boonies? I don’t know.
This was a powerful metaphor for me… a cause for reflection of how
things are slowly quieting down with the medical appointments and then maybe I
can hope for a month without seeing a doctor for a month. So far I have no doctor appointments in
September and I hope I can keep it that way for now. I need a break.
Part of the progression is seeing how I am getting
better. I played racquetball four times
last week and it felt awesome! I did not
get hurt or drop dead. I, however, was
unable to work out other days as I felt tired.
But I still managed to keep up the goal of doing 10,000 steps each day. Today, I was able to travel with my bags and
Chocolate in tow without getting tired.
The past two trips were tough and I was too exhausted by the time I get
to the check-in counter. I am sure I
will sleep well tonight as it’s a long day of travel but I am feeling pretty
good. I am ready to try swimming again
and decided that San Diego is the place to try it again. It makes sense. After all, San Diego was where I started
swimming laps as a workout when I first moved there. I am going to try a hike this week too.
I am also back to working on my dissertation proposal with a
renewed sense of energy. I am truly
happy to be embracing my nerd-dom once again.
Yes, the stupid cancer was an obstacle in my doctorate journey but I am
going to finish that thing! Thinking
about research, talking about research, and reading about research are stuff
that excite me again. What has changed,
however, I have decided to shift my focus from educational interpreting to
medical interpreting for my dissertation.
My dissertation will be tied to cancer.
I am still working out the specifics so I may disclose more details at a
later time. Someone once said to me
that once the cancer battle is over, I should get back to my dissertation and
forget that it ever happened. I
can’t. Cancer has become a new part of
my identity and I can’t just remove that from who I am. I am finding kinship with people who have
battled cancer. I thought I didn’t know
many people with cancer but now that I have had cancer, I am surprised by how
many people have fought cancer and survived.
They are everywhere but I did not see them before. I smiled when I saw the woman seated next to
me on this flight wearing a breast cancer bracelet. I am wearing an uterine cancer bracelet. We bonded over this little thing. Back to my point… I truthfully DID NOT want
to learn about cancer. My dear breast
cancer survivor friend said to me back in January, “Welcome to learning about
stuff you did not want to learn… but you need to.” I continue to learn about cancer on a daily
basis. I was in a funk and was trying to
get myself to feel excited about working on my dissertation proposal
again. I wanted it to be tied to
cancer. It took me a few weeks to find a
way to make it all work out that I did not have to do a major topic change at
all. And I am excited again. Does that mean I will spend the rest of my
academic life researching medical interpreting, specifically in oncology? I don’t know.
It is an ongoing progression as I mentioned. For now, it is something that excites me and
that is good in my book.
One question that keeps on lingering in my mind… will I
return to my die-hard type A personality?
I don’t know. I have slowed down
significantly. Was it from the surgery
recovery? Is it because of the
infection? For sure, yes. … Alas, is it a permanent change? I don’t
know. I do know I find myself feeling
surprised that I did not accomplish as much in a day as I intended to. Slowing down a bit is okay. I suppose I am stopping to smell the roses,
so to speak. This has been a lesson in
acceptance. I am guilty of maintaining
extremely high expectations of myself. I
am trying to be more forgiving of myself if I don’t accomplish as much as I
wished. Ironically, I am posting this
online at the Los Angeles airport on a three-hour layover before I get to San
Diego. I used to be really annoyed by
long layovers but I enjoyed this one immensely.
It is nice to be in the moment and just… wait, enjoy, and observe.
Part of my exploration of my new normal is taking a hard
look at whether I am leading a quality life.
I do not have any clear answers yet.
Answers are emerging slowly, but surely.
There are some things I want to change.
There are some things I want to continue doing. There are new things I want to try. Before cancer, I remember I was continually
looking for the ideal balance in life. I
think this is true for everyone. I thought
I had answers before. What is clear,
those answers did not work for me. I
look forward to unfolding what works the best for me, only me.
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