True that. Cancer didn't stop this girl. Today, I am still alive and kickin'. I also learned so much about cancer to know it does not always mean a death sentence is guaranteed. And each cancer battle is different and unique. At the beginning of my own battle, I remember feeling a range of painful emotions. I am at peace right now. This reminds me of what a cancer survivor friend said to me when I told her I was struggling with the declaration that I was in remission. "A chunk of your life and body gone. You will process for a long time but you will heal and find joy in the simple fact that you have a lot more wonderful things to do!" The past couple months I have been finding the joy that she spoke of. Referring to a previous post, http://naomicancerjourney.blogspot.com/2015/03/cured-or-not.html, I learned to adapt and survive now that the cancer is in remission.
The other day, I was re-reading all of my posts. Wow... everything happened so fast that it felt like such a blur as I was going through the motions guided by my medical team. It was definitely not a peachy ride but I came out peachy after all the raging storms calmed. At this time, I finally feel I can wear the badge of honor and call myself an endometrial cancer survivor. Several major themes emerged this past year: the search for a good oncologist, hormone therapy, hysterectomy and recovery, a terrible post-op infection and recovery, constantly fighting for accessibility, and my internal struggles. Those themes were discussed openly in this blog. However, there was a recurring theme I did not discuss in depth in my blog-- claim disputes with the medical insurance company. I thought that I would just deal with cancer. Nope I had other things to deal with on top of the cancer. Crazy times. I especially wished that the health insurance companies would be more compassionate towards patients who are dealing with serious diseases such as cancer. I often found myself this past year wishing I was living in a socialist country. I filed numerous appeals. I am happy to report that I won all of the appeals except for one in which they still believe my surgery #1 was elective. I have a pending appeal right now but it looks good so far. Alas... I am down to one medical bill which will be paid off by the end of this month. Then I am free. Plus it is a wonderful feeling not having any doctor appointments on my calendar except for the follow-up appointments. I want to stay as far away as possible from doctors, drugs, and needles!
Someone the other day asked me if I regretted undergoing hysterectomy because it meant my fertility was taken away and I ended up with a complicated post-op infection. Nope. Life should not be of regrets. Yes, the year was difficult and came with pain, fear, anger, and grieving. The other two options sucked. First option: stay on hormone therapy for life. The megestrol made me feel horrible. I could not even walk across the Gallaudet campus without being out of breath and the daily nosebleeds were frustrating for me. I could get diabetes if I continued. Second option: do nothing and I had two years to live. Hmm. There are still many things I want to do in life. Granted, if I happen to be hit by a bus tomorrow, I will be pleased that I have lived my life to the fullest and accomplished so much. I came out of that wild ride, having earned some valuable lessons. Still, there are many things I want to do like get my doctorate, see more of the world, and meet more amazing people.
As my fellow cancer survivors can relate, I do find myself somewhat fearful that the cancer would come back to haunt me. But what can I do? I cannot hide in a bubble and wait for it to come. I just have to continue living my life to the fullest. I will deal with whatever obstacles (cancer or not) whenever they emerge. A friend a while back said that once this is all over, I could just move on with my life forgetting what happened. I cannot. When I was born, I was given my name, Naomi. I was like a blank slate. Over the years, I added new aspects of who I am. This recent year gave me a new part.... a cancer survivor. How do I carve that out of my identity and just move on with my life? Impossible. Cancer has changed me in ways that surprised me. Of course, my core being is still the same but some of my viewpoints have shifted. And I am stumbling upon those paradigm shifts by surprise by noticing my responses to various situations. My responses before cancer were different. I am still discovering new things as I go through the motions of daily life.
A previous post I talked about how I was figuring out my new normal (http://naomicancerjourney.blogspot.com/2015/09/the-new-normal-progression-not.html). It continues to be a process. Each day I am learning what works and what does not. I had wondered in that post if I would return to my die-hard Type A personality. As much as I want to return to that mode, I find myself struggling. I am not sure if it has to do with the fact I am still trying to catch my breath. Before cancer, it was all about work, work, work. I had my future all mapped out. I was going to finish my Ph.D. by the time I turn 40 and I was going to do this, that. After the cancer battle, slowing down and enjoying life as well as investing in human connections became important too. Now, I just want to live in the present.
When I was recovering from the hysterectomy, I thought long and hard about the quality of my life and knew that things had to change. I was not leading a quality life. Since last summer, I have been slowly setting those changes into motion. Four years ago, I got acceptance letters from doctorate programs. I remember I cried that day. The feeling was so bittersweet. I envisioned two potential paths: settle down in San Diego and buy a home, finish up yoga teacher training, and dive into arts while continuing to work for a wonderful company. The other path: move to Washington, DC to pursue my doctorate. Two significantly different paths. I left San Diego aching for the other path. The past few months, I wondered to myself... why do I have to choose? Changes I have been making involves finding a way to make both paths work. I never liked Washington, DC so why did I need to stay? I did not want to stay. I am in a new city that allows me to continue with my yoga teacher training, deepen my yoga practice, and teach yoga. It is also an ideal place for me to finish my dissertation. As for when I will finish my dissertation, I am determined to finish it soon but I will not get upset if life throws me another curveball. I'll just go with the flow. Anything goes. Another area of change: relationship changes. As with any life crisis, you find who your true comrades are. And who were just for a season. Some relationships were strengthened, some ended, and some were created. Some of my new relationships resulted from my cancer. They just came out and reached out.
My glass is overflowing with countless blessings. I am content and smiling. Onward.
You have such a good attitude. I want through a similar challenge about 5 years ago so I know how difficult it can be to stay positive at times. I had my good days and then I would have my really bad days. I think the thing that makes the biggest difference is having a ton of support around you.
ReplyDeleteIrving Hammond @ Panacea CR