Another Cancer Patient's Perspective

I came across this wonderful blog post that beautifully summed up the cancer journey.  The writer is an oncology nurse who got diagnosed with cancer herself and she finally understood what it means to be diagnosed with cancer and to fight.

Dear every cancer patient I ever took care of, I’m sorry. I didn’t get it.

While she and I had different rides with cancer but the feeling is definitely mutual.  Simply put, any cancer journey is multilayered and complicated.  It is an ongoing process even after reaching remission. 

Two years have passed... and I'm still here

January 15th came and went.  It marked two years since I got my cancer diagnosis.  I was happily on my first real vacation in four years.  Sure I travel quite a bit but it was always for work, school, or I was going on a trip and still needed to work.  This trip gave me a chance to really unplug and leave my laptop behind.  I went on a yoga retreat at a remote beach location in Mexico.  I only brought my books and journal with me.  I read so much on that trip.  I meditated several times each day.  I did a lot of yoga.  I came back feeling really rejuvenated.  It was freeing to leave the country without worrying that I might need medical attention right away.

The host of this retreat said that we could take periods of silence to focus on ourselves.  I decided to make January 15th my day of silence to observe the two-year mark.  It was sensitive for me because like my last post said, doing nothing was an option I considered.  I woke up that morning loving the smell of the ocean.  I was reflecting that if I had done nothing, I might not be on that trip.  I may be nearing the end of my life.  I'm not sure what that end would have looked like but I certainly do not want to try to imagine it at all.  I'm here and that is what matters the most.

Two years ago... after I got the call,  I was in complete shock.  I immediately called the gynecology oncology office.  They said they needed to get my information from my gynecologist first before they could schedule an appointment with me.  They promised to call me within the next two hours.  I texted a few close friends telling them the result of my hysterscopy and dilation/ curettage.   They bombed me with so many questions that I could not even begin to answer.  "How serious is it?"  "How much time do you have left?"  "What stage?"  "When do you start chemotherapy?"  I immediately shut down.  I wanted to get out of the house.  I wanted to walk around.  I needed fresh air.  I went to the local shopping center and walked through stores aimlessly.  I kept my phone close to me because I was waiting for the call.  They called and said they had my information and could see me in six days.  They asked me to have my other doctors send them my records via fax.  I took this screenshot and ironically I just came across it today.  The look on my face reminded me of the fear and confusion I was feeling that day.  Yet there is a hint of hope in there.  

On the day of silence at the yoga retreat, I was surprised I did not process the whole cancer journey as much as I thought I would.  I was actually focused on the yoga retreat.  Enjoying the ocean.  Doing asanas and meditations.  Playing with a dog that came up to me with a coconut to play fetch.  I was reading the book, Power of Now once again and gaining new insights.  I was observing how others reacted to my decision to observe silence the whole day.  Silence can be uncomfortable for people.  Silence can be a state of bliss.  It gave me the space I needed for introspection.  

I did one thing that day though... something I have not done for a long time.  After my shower, I took a moment to observe and study the scars from my two surgeries, noticing how they have healed.  I touched them for the first time in a long time.  It was time for me to embrace those scars.  Those scars represent an extension in my time on this planet.  Ironically after that experience, I received a massage at the yoga retreat a couple of days later from a woman who touched my scars.  It was like the universe told her to focus on those areas.  She also worked on my entire abdomen and pelvic area where the uterus once was.  After being thrown off for a quick moment, I realized that the touch was definitely soothing and healing.

I felt truly blessed that I was able to go on that trip to Mexico.  I did different asanas during the yoga retreat that reassured me how far I have come.  Quite truthfully, I realized on that trip that I am still living my life doing great things and there are still much more I want to do and experience.