I have pretty much thrown myself deeply into my academic life. Oh... it's so good to be back after being out of the circuit for almost two years. I am writing and publishing. I am giving talks. I am networking. I am now collecting data for my dissertation. Basically, I am nerding. Life is good.
A while ago, a friend reported to me that he noticed someone making a comment when there was a discussion on social media about a particular food that should be avoided because it had a possibly of causing cancer. Someone made a comment that if one was really concerned about cancer, one should not live.
His comment made sense from one viewpoint. Cancer is so scary that it seems to be caused by many things: food, toxins in our air, chemicals in things we use daily, etc etc. If one truly wants to be safe from cancer, then one should not live. Basically, as long as you are alive-- there's a risk of getting cancer... getting sick with something else, etc. We're basically screwed, yes? On the other side of the coin, that comment can be offensive. It could be read as "stop living," or "if you are scared of potential cancer-causing stuff, then what's the point of living?"
As a survivor for over two years now, I am truthfully more conscious about what things may cause or prevent cancer. I have made some changes. I am more aware of what things to avoid. I try to lead a healthy life. If I read a new research alerting me of potential risks, I would definitely pay attention! My body unfortunately has the mechanism to produce abnormal and cancerous cells. The risk is there. Sure, it is under control since the uterus, fallopian tubes, and cervix were removed. This is why I am in remission. Quite frankly, I really don't want to deal with surgeries and treatments again. So if I want to avoid anything that could trigger that mechanism in my body, I most certainly will pay attention. This is because I think my life is good and I want some more mileage out of this one.
So if I pay heed to newest research about things that could cause cancer, I call that living... by being aware of risks and prolonging my life because I want to continue nerding for a while longer. Thank you very much.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Monday, June 5, 2017
ABD!
ABD has a double meaning for me now.
First, ABD is known within academia to mean a person is completed with all the requirements of a doctorate program except for the dissertation (All But Dissertation). I officially received my ABD status on May 8th when I passed my dissertation proposal defense. I overcame another hurdle. The private session with my committee after my 35-minute presentation to the public was so long and grueling that after an hour has passed, I was exhausted and ready to give up. They finally excused me for their private deliberation. When they called me in to tell me I passed, I cried. The committee members were surprised by my reaction. I explained I was so emotional because the cancer had put me off my track and it was a difficult struggle to get back on the train, so to speak. I'm finally back on the track to become Dr. Naomi.
I was so stressed out a couple of weeks leading up to the day of defense. I wanted to be sure nothing else would prevent me from getting to that milestone. I planned for several months to do the 5 Boro Bike Ride in New York City. And when my dissertation committee voted for May 8th out of three possible dates, I groaned. The bike event was May 7th. I was to ride 40+ miles the day before my dissertation proposal defense. Oy vey. Onward. I was waiting for the weather in Rochester to warm up so I could begin training again. I had not ridden my bike since before I had cancer. I didn't start training until around four weeks before the event but did not get to train much because the weather wasn't cooperating. I used the bike ride as way to process my feelings about the cancer and getting back on the track. It was a powerful moment when I biked past the place where I had my surgery. I was surprised that I finished each single mile. The final stretch was the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge. It was hard and long but they painted inspirational messages on the road that applied to the ride itself, my cancer, and my dissertation journey that sustained me all the way to the finish line.
I am truly excited about my dissertation work. I am now awaiting the approval from the university's Institutional Review Board (IRB). It was the cancer that changed my dissertation topic. I had a completely different idea and threw it out after getting cancer. I felt it was important to investigate how extralinguistic knowledge influence translations of cancer words and concepts.
The second meaning of ABD is something I came up a couple of weeks ago out of inspiration. ABD= All But Disease which is similar to what oncologists say NED (No Evidence of Disease). May 22nd was my final three-month checkup. I was done with undergoing two years of quarterly checkups. My oncologist has given me the title of survivor. I discussed in an earlier post about different meanings of survivorship (http://naomicancerjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-different-meanings-of-survivorship.html). Oncologists label their patients as survivors if there has been no evidence of disease for two years. For the next two years, I will have biannual checkups.
First, ABD is known within academia to mean a person is completed with all the requirements of a doctorate program except for the dissertation (All But Dissertation). I officially received my ABD status on May 8th when I passed my dissertation proposal defense. I overcame another hurdle. The private session with my committee after my 35-minute presentation to the public was so long and grueling that after an hour has passed, I was exhausted and ready to give up. They finally excused me for their private deliberation. When they called me in to tell me I passed, I cried. The committee members were surprised by my reaction. I explained I was so emotional because the cancer had put me off my track and it was a difficult struggle to get back on the train, so to speak. I'm finally back on the track to become Dr. Naomi.
I was so stressed out a couple of weeks leading up to the day of defense. I wanted to be sure nothing else would prevent me from getting to that milestone. I planned for several months to do the 5 Boro Bike Ride in New York City. And when my dissertation committee voted for May 8th out of three possible dates, I groaned. The bike event was May 7th. I was to ride 40+ miles the day before my dissertation proposal defense. Oy vey. Onward. I was waiting for the weather in Rochester to warm up so I could begin training again. I had not ridden my bike since before I had cancer. I didn't start training until around four weeks before the event but did not get to train much because the weather wasn't cooperating. I used the bike ride as way to process my feelings about the cancer and getting back on the track. It was a powerful moment when I biked past the place where I had my surgery. I was surprised that I finished each single mile. The final stretch was the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge. It was hard and long but they painted inspirational messages on the road that applied to the ride itself, my cancer, and my dissertation journey that sustained me all the way to the finish line.
I am truly excited about my dissertation work. I am now awaiting the approval from the university's Institutional Review Board (IRB). It was the cancer that changed my dissertation topic. I had a completely different idea and threw it out after getting cancer. I felt it was important to investigate how extralinguistic knowledge influence translations of cancer words and concepts.
The second meaning of ABD is something I came up a couple of weeks ago out of inspiration. ABD= All But Disease which is similar to what oncologists say NED (No Evidence of Disease). May 22nd was my final three-month checkup. I was done with undergoing two years of quarterly checkups. My oncologist has given me the title of survivor. I discussed in an earlier post about different meanings of survivorship (http://naomicancerjourney.blogspot.com/2016/02/the-different-meanings-of-survivorship.html). Oncologists label their patients as survivors if there has been no evidence of disease for two years. For the next two years, I will have biannual checkups.
Friday, April 14, 2017
Two Years of Remission
I have been so engrossed in my dissertation work this semester that I almost forgot about the April 14th anniversary date. Fellow cancer survivors highly recommend that this anniversary date is observed by doing something great. One survivor I know of leaves the country on the anniversary date. What a grand idea! :-) I did that last year. This year... I decided to stay in the country since I have some trips coming up. I found this quaint bed n breakfast place out of town to chill out. I also came here to write. Yes, continue writing my dissertation proposal. This Ph.D. life= no life! *grin* The proposal defense date is fast approaching! Alas, I figured that since I sorely missed blogging, I would give myself a break and blog on this special date.
It seems so surreal that two years have passed. So much has happened since I said farewell to the cancer. Many happenings. Many changes. Cancer can come and go just like that throwing one's life off balance and then... survivors somehow just move forward... continuing to make cancer a more distant memory.
I just got over a bad case of viral bug that had me sick for about nine days. That was the longest I have been sick since the cancer and post-surgical infections. I was so frustrated because it was taking my time away from my dissertation proposal. It was also like a trigger for me. I did not choose to be sick and bedridden for so long that year. I was becoming increasingly anxious that I did not get better after a couple of days. I wanted to send my committee an updated proposal that would not require any major revisions before my defense date. I did not. The time in bed gave me a chance to rest, recover, and reflect. I think I am hard on myself with the dissertation work. It felt like the prospect of getting my doctorate was yanked out of my reach when I got cancer. When I got back on track, I realized that I wanted a completely new topic focusing on medical interpreting and cancer. Finding the focus took time. I finally have my focus and know where I am going with this. The topic is fun and exciting. Feeling the pressure after presenting my past research studies at a recent international research symposium and the defense date approaching, I pushed myself to work on my proposal. I had been giving up social events so that I can get this thing done with. It was so important to me that I finish. The Ph.D. dream is something that I am desperately holding on to and do not want to let go of. Being sick made me realize that I need to slow down a bit... and enjoy life a bit. If I take a couple days longer to finish my proposal, it's okay. I WILL finish this proposal. I feel stressed out partly because if I don't defend my proposal this semester, I have to wait until the fall semester to defend. I really want to start collecting data over the summer rather than waiting.
Truth be told, it was awesome watching a lot of Netflix while dealing with this bug. I was so SICK of Netflix after a couple of months two years ago and I didn't mind this time around but I want to do my own thing again. I am back on the Ph.D. track as I appreciate my continuing remission status.
Yesterday was the first day I ventured out to see people after being sick. I attended my first support group gathering for Deaf women cancer survivors. It was a nice kick-off to my two-year celebration. They have different activities every time they meet. Last night: art therapy. That was a nice release from pounding away on the keyboard. One woman said that life after cancer is about maintaining faith and living your life. True that.
Saturday, February 11, 2017
Another Cancer Patient's Perspective
I came across this wonderful blog post that beautifully summed up the cancer journey. The writer is an oncology nurse who got diagnosed with cancer herself and she finally understood what it means to be diagnosed with cancer and to fight.
While she and I had different rides with cancer but the feeling is definitely mutual. Simply put, any cancer journey is multilayered and complicated. It is an ongoing process even after reaching remission.
While she and I had different rides with cancer but the feeling is definitely mutual. Simply put, any cancer journey is multilayered and complicated. It is an ongoing process even after reaching remission.
Sunday, February 5, 2017
Two years have passed... and I'm still here
January 15th came and went. It marked two years since I got my cancer diagnosis. I was happily on my first real vacation in four years. Sure I travel quite a bit but it was always for work, school, or I was going on a trip and still needed to work. This trip gave me a chance to really unplug and leave my laptop behind. I went on a yoga retreat at a remote beach location in Mexico. I only brought my books and journal with me. I read so much on that trip. I meditated several times each day. I did a lot of yoga. I came back feeling really rejuvenated. It was freeing to leave the country without worrying that I might need medical attention right away.
The host of this retreat said that we could take periods of silence to focus on ourselves. I decided to make January 15th my day of silence to observe the two-year mark. It was sensitive for me because like my last post said, doing nothing was an option I considered. I woke up that morning loving the smell of the ocean. I was reflecting that if I had done nothing, I might not be on that trip. I may be nearing the end of my life. I'm not sure what that end would have looked like but I certainly do not want to try to imagine it at all. I'm here and that is what matters the most.
Two years ago... after I got the call, I was in complete shock. I immediately called the gynecology oncology office. They said they needed to get my information from my gynecologist first before they could schedule an appointment with me. They promised to call me within the next two hours. I texted a few close friends telling them the result of my hysterscopy and dilation/ curettage. They bombed me with so many questions that I could not even begin to answer. "How serious is it?" "How much time do you have left?" "What stage?" "When do you start chemotherapy?" I immediately shut down. I wanted to get out of the house. I wanted to walk around. I needed fresh air. I went to the local shopping center and walked through stores aimlessly. I kept my phone close to me because I was waiting for the call. They called and said they had my information and could see me in six days. They asked me to have my other doctors send them my records via fax. I took this screenshot and ironically I just came across it today. The look on my face reminded me of the fear and confusion I was feeling that day. Yet there is a hint of hope in there.
On the day of silence at the yoga retreat, I was surprised I did not process the whole cancer journey as much as I thought I would. I was actually focused on the yoga retreat. Enjoying the ocean. Doing asanas and meditations. Playing with a dog that came up to me with a coconut to play fetch. I was reading the book, Power of Now once again and gaining new insights. I was observing how others reacted to my decision to observe silence the whole day. Silence can be uncomfortable for people. Silence can be a state of bliss. It gave me the space I needed for introspection.
I did one thing that day though... something I have not done for a long time. After my shower, I took a moment to observe and study the scars from my two surgeries, noticing how they have healed. I touched them for the first time in a long time. It was time for me to embrace those scars. Those scars represent an extension in my time on this planet. Ironically after that experience, I received a massage at the yoga retreat a couple of days later from a woman who touched my scars. It was like the universe told her to focus on those areas. She also worked on my entire abdomen and pelvic area where the uterus once was. After being thrown off for a quick moment, I realized that the touch was definitely soothing and healing.
I felt truly blessed that I was able to go on that trip to Mexico. I did different asanas during the yoga retreat that reassured me how far I have come. Quite truthfully, I realized on that trip that I am still living my life doing great things and there are still much more I want to do and experience.
Friday, January 6, 2017
Doing nothing is still a choice
Let me first begin with a metaphor... it snowed during the night. Chocolate, native to Hawaii, hates snow. He rarely surprises me by playing happily in the snow. This morning I took him out. Whenever there's fresh snow on the ground, I usually put on his coat and booties and let him walk leash-free. I want him to have control in deciding where to go in the snowy land. He peed twice. I was walking down the street following our usual route when I realized he was not keeping up. I turned around and I see him pausing in the middle of the sidewalk. He was visibly uncomfortable with the snow. I asked him if he wanted to come with me. He stood there thinking about what he wanted to do then he turned back. He was running back home. I turned back and followed him. He was happily waiting by the door. He had made the choice not to poop. What it means for him... he has to deal with the consequences that come with that choice. He'll hold until later this morning or when he tells me he needs to go just to ensure he's warm and comfortable indoors.
The point is.. only we can make our own choices and we are products of our own choices. Each choice comes with consequences. Consequences can be either good and bad. That's the simple truth.
As I am approaching the two-year mark since I got that phone call telling me I had cancer (January 15th), I am reminded of the second appointment I had with Dr. Diaz-Montes with an interpreter. After I gained better understanding about my treatment options, I asked how much time I had left if I did nothing. The interpreter was baffled and asked me, "Do I voice that?" Duh. Yes. I could see she struggled because it was against her own value system. She proceeded to voice my question. Dr. Diaz-Montes was shocked. Not surprising. After all, she is in the business of saving lives. After Dr. Diaz-Montes regained her composure, she said that if I did nothing I had two years to live. I processed this. Dr. Diaz-Montes insisted, "Don't do nothing!" I said that I had to consider ALL the options and that doing nothing was still an option.
Treatment options include chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, hormone therapy, and medications. Those treatment options are not guarantees. Oncologists use experiences with previous patients to help them establish the prognosis for future patients. Remember as I said in an earlier post (http://naomicancerjourney.blogspot.com/2015/03/cured-or-not.html), there's no cure for cancer. It can be controlled. Sometime the cancer gets to the point that it cannot be controlled anymore.
Why did I consider doing nothing as one of my possible options? I had read the pros and cons of each treatment option. I have spoken with cancer survivors who said that if they had to do it all over again, they would have opted not to do anything. Surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiations messed them up so much that they felt they missed out on having the quality life. And they struggle with the aftermath up to this day. While I am fortunate that my cancer was detected very early preventing the need for chemotherapy and radiation, I still have some lingering aftermath from everything I went through. Those are fading slowly though. The process I went through to control my cancer was definitely not peachy.
I was talking with a friend the other day telling him that when it is my time to go, it is my time to go. I am not scared. He got really upset by this. I think that the cancer helped me feel at peace about death. I remember when I got the call, I was freaking out thinking about death. In reality, death is a natural part of the life cycle.
I recently learned of someone who made the choice to do nothing to control his cancer. A good number of people were upset with his choice. Ultimately, it was HIS choice to make. He realized that his cancer was too aggressive and he wanted to spend his final days enjoying life and appreciating his connections. Remember, by choosing not to fight the cancer is not exactly the same as giving up. It is not an act of resignation. It is a choice to maximize on life as much as possible with the remaining time he had. I had to wrestle with this choice myself. I thought about two options. I could use the remaining two years I had to travel and see more of the world. I could write more. I could see all of my favorite people again. Or I could go through treatments to control the cancer. Those two paths were significantly different. Our choices pave our paths in life and we deal with the good and bad consequences as we progress in our own journeys.
Now that the two-year mark is approaching, I am deep in my own introspection. People often ask me if I regret going through what I did. Based on my studies in Buddhism, life should not be of regrets. Just roll with your choices and embrace the lessons that come with them. The answer is I do not regret anything I went through the past two years. It sucked, yes. There were bad and good consequences which I accepted as part of the path I have paved for myself. The bottom line, I am eternally grateful that I had the freedom to make informed choices for myself.
The point is.. only we can make our own choices and we are products of our own choices. Each choice comes with consequences. Consequences can be either good and bad. That's the simple truth.
As I am approaching the two-year mark since I got that phone call telling me I had cancer (January 15th), I am reminded of the second appointment I had with Dr. Diaz-Montes with an interpreter. After I gained better understanding about my treatment options, I asked how much time I had left if I did nothing. The interpreter was baffled and asked me, "Do I voice that?" Duh. Yes. I could see she struggled because it was against her own value system. She proceeded to voice my question. Dr. Diaz-Montes was shocked. Not surprising. After all, she is in the business of saving lives. After Dr. Diaz-Montes regained her composure, she said that if I did nothing I had two years to live. I processed this. Dr. Diaz-Montes insisted, "Don't do nothing!" I said that I had to consider ALL the options and that doing nothing was still an option.
Treatment options include chemotherapy, radiation, surgery, hormone therapy, and medications. Those treatment options are not guarantees. Oncologists use experiences with previous patients to help them establish the prognosis for future patients. Remember as I said in an earlier post (http://naomicancerjourney.blogspot.com/2015/03/cured-or-not.html), there's no cure for cancer. It can be controlled. Sometime the cancer gets to the point that it cannot be controlled anymore.
Why did I consider doing nothing as one of my possible options? I had read the pros and cons of each treatment option. I have spoken with cancer survivors who said that if they had to do it all over again, they would have opted not to do anything. Surgeries, chemotherapy, and radiations messed them up so much that they felt they missed out on having the quality life. And they struggle with the aftermath up to this day. While I am fortunate that my cancer was detected very early preventing the need for chemotherapy and radiation, I still have some lingering aftermath from everything I went through. Those are fading slowly though. The process I went through to control my cancer was definitely not peachy.
I was talking with a friend the other day telling him that when it is my time to go, it is my time to go. I am not scared. He got really upset by this. I think that the cancer helped me feel at peace about death. I remember when I got the call, I was freaking out thinking about death. In reality, death is a natural part of the life cycle.
I recently learned of someone who made the choice to do nothing to control his cancer. A good number of people were upset with his choice. Ultimately, it was HIS choice to make. He realized that his cancer was too aggressive and he wanted to spend his final days enjoying life and appreciating his connections. Remember, by choosing not to fight the cancer is not exactly the same as giving up. It is not an act of resignation. It is a choice to maximize on life as much as possible with the remaining time he had. I had to wrestle with this choice myself. I thought about two options. I could use the remaining two years I had to travel and see more of the world. I could write more. I could see all of my favorite people again. Or I could go through treatments to control the cancer. Those two paths were significantly different. Our choices pave our paths in life and we deal with the good and bad consequences as we progress in our own journeys.
Now that the two-year mark is approaching, I am deep in my own introspection. People often ask me if I regret going through what I did. Based on my studies in Buddhism, life should not be of regrets. Just roll with your choices and embrace the lessons that come with them. The answer is I do not regret anything I went through the past two years. It sucked, yes. There were bad and good consequences which I accepted as part of the path I have paved for myself. The bottom line, I am eternally grateful that I had the freedom to make informed choices for myself.
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