When it was decided that there would be a party for me to say EFF to cancer back in March 2015, the idea behind "Eff Cancer" did not have such a deep meaning then. Now it has a more profound meaning for me. Cancer truly sucks. I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs, "EFF CANCER!" Here's why.
I remember when I first got diagnosed in January 2015, I met a few people online and heard of people who got their diagnosis around the same time. We connected because we were new cancer warriors trying to figure out what the heck it all meant. They had different cancers. Two weeks later, one of them died. Over the course of the past year, they all have died. I am not sure if I should feel lucky or not. This feeling of uncertainty is exactly how I felt when my company laid off two administrators during my first year of employment. I was the new kid on the block and I still kept my job. I remember I had a bad case of survivor guilt. Do I feel lucky I still had my job? Do I wonder if I would be the next to get axed? I am still with the same company for almost eight years. That feeling has faded but came right back when additional layoffs were made last year.
Anyway... it breaks my heart every single time I hear about another cancer warrior passing on to the next realm. This week, this world lost a wonderful cancer warrior who was battling breast cancer for six years. She was a friend from my childhood. I spoke with her last year asking her for her insight. I noticed that she had cancer when she was pregnant with her son. At that time, I was not sure if I should consider having a baby or not. My conversation with her helped shift me towards the hysterectomy. When I got the news of her passing, I was so sad then I got so angry for her and other cancer warriors. Why didn't they get the chance of more time I was given? It's not fair. I was thinking, "EFF CANCER!" Cancer really sucks. I am tired of hearing about more and more lives being claimed by the big C. Talking about it throughout the week has simmered my anger. Going to kickboxing classes twice this week have helped me channel my anger as I visualized myself kicking the big C's arse and thinking, "Stop taking away lives!" Doing long, advanced yoga classes settled me. Down deep inside, I have this bugging fear that maybe I am the next one just like wondering if I would be the next one to get that dreaded pink slip.
One of the most powerful books I have ever read is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I read it about the same time I became fascinated with Buddhist teachings. Among many Buddhist themes that fascinate me, I love how Buddhism placed an emphasis on focusing on the present rather than the past and the future. Just be. Just live in the moment. And be happy with the present moment. It was timely that I came across Tolle's book when I was starting my Buddhist readings. I think our society places so much emphasis on the past and future, ignoring the present. The past and future are hugely influential on what one does in the present moment. It is so hard to deprogram myself from thinking / acting as if the future or the past is in this specific moment. Ironically, having cancer has made the deprogramming much easier. I am given this moment and I am going to roll with it. I don't want to worry about the future. I do not want to wonder when the big C would take me next. I am going to live my life focusing on each present moment.
Some of my friends asked me for the update on my genetic test results and Dr. Jewell's recommendations. Truthfully, I temporarily put the genetic test results aside so I can focus what I needed to do in the present. I had a draft manuscript due to the editors June 1st. I had plenty of work on my plate. I had a wedding celebration to attend. I chose to focus on those things because those were happening in my present time. I still need to live my life and not let the genetic test results hinder me. Now that the draft manuscript has been submitted and I enjoyed the wedding celebration, I have some breathing room. I will be following up with Dr. Jewell to see what the genetic team at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center told her since I haven't heard anything. When I get that information from them, I am going to put them aside until I meet with my new oncologist in August. Then I'll go from there. Remember, having a cancer gene does not mean you have cancer. It just elevates your risk of getting cancer. That is one critical piece of information that has been keeping me sane.
For now, I shall just savor the sweet moments in the present. Like waking up this morning to Chocolate's head resting on my shoulder. And discovering how amazing my cilantro pesto is, which was a fun experiment in the kitchen this week (I ended up with too much cilantro- is that even such a thing?). And laughters with new friends. Onward.
